I'm one of those girls who has dreamed of the guy she was going to marry since I was 5. I think I honestly skipped the whole "Boys have cooties" stage.:) (Being an early bloomer kinda sucks.)No, I'm not the type to plan my wedding before I even meet the guy. But ever since I was 5...I've dreamed (sometimes literally) of a man so in love with Jesus. That was the one prerequisite. The rest could follow. Since I couldn't date until I was 18 and chose NOT to date until I was 18, my little heart got involved.
I was never good at guarding my heart. I always got involved way to easily. I was the perfect example of remaining pure, yes, but my heart was always involved from the start, ignoring my mom's advice to "Guard my heart." (My mom would always say, you're not dating, but you're emotionally involved. How true.) I hadn't realized just how important it is to guard your heart. And while I have only gotten hurt about 2 times, it was the worst two times of my life. My heart broke. Well, not completely. Maybe scarred a little. Some cracks. If I would have gone on with some of the relationships, I think that my heart would have been broken a lot more. It amazes me when I look back and see God watching out for me, picking up the pieces, and tugging me in a new direction that I didn't want to take, because I wanted to follow my traitorous, human, romantic-idea-filled heart.
These couple of weeks, I've actually ignored my heart and listened to the voice in my head. God helped me do stuff that I could not have done on my own, because, jeez, I wanted a real relationship. And while my heart may be a little cracked, it is far better than what may have been. And while my heart could be filling with bitterness, I can't go down that path again. First of all, I was the one who chose this. It just sucks when you realize that a person is not what they seemed to be. It is amazing how easily you fall for lines they give you. He was everything I had dreamed of. He was a great guy, but I just didn't know him that well. Yet, I cannot...I refuse to be bitter. That path almost destroyed my life, and I refuse to enter into satan's little game and go there.
Being as I haven't been in a lot of relationships, it's understandable that I was taken in. But...honestly...I don't want to be a cynic on love either. I don't want to be hardened by life. Because I know that that wasn't love. Not the kind I want, at least. And while I've been trying to stop searching for it and let it come to me. In the meanwhile, working on guarding my heart and staying physically AND emotionally pure is going to be my goal. And when I give this all to Jesus, this weight on my bruised heart will lift, this burden on my shoulders will cease to be there.
Seriously, the best advice my mom gave me was to guard my heart and not get emotionally involved. It saves a lot of heartache. Sure, you may have some disappointment, but at least your heart will be intact.
I know. It is so friggin' hard, I just wanna give up. But it will be worth it in the end. God knows the desires of my heart and He longs to give them to me. But am I ready for them? I think He knows that I'm not, though my heart is screaming "Give it to me! I want the love of a lifetime!" (Firehouse is awesome) And I know it is SOO cliche, but for now, my only love of a lifetime will be my Jesus. And even when he does bring my so-on-fire-for-God, handsome, real, amazing, love of a lifetime into my life, Jesus will always be my First Love.
Until then. I'm going to be trying to guard my heart. And encourage my friends and family to do the same. And I encourage you to do the same. You want to give your whole, healthy heart to your husband, not one that is torn and some pieces belong to Mark in Minnesota.
Thanks for reading my emotional rantings. :)
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