Perfection. A word that I hate, yet the same word that I'm obsessed with, the word that I think I have to be.
I'm not perfect. Big surprise there huh? But I want to be a missionary; how am I going to talk to people when I've barely done anything with my life, when my life seems to have gone smoothly, no troubles whatsoever? That's something I think about every night.
I grew up in a christian home, went to church every Sunday, and want people to think I have it together. I encourage people and pretend that I have the answers and try to never let anyone see me cry.
But I have my demons. My childhood wasn't perfect.Yes, I had the best parents ever and I was loved; but I've always looked for other love, as though Jesus' wasn't enough. I act like I'm so in love with Jesus and the truth is, I'm trying still to fall in love with him, but there are so many distractions. I act like he's my only love while the truth is...I have other loves. I hide them so deeply, that only God can see them. I have my temptations.
I try to hard to be unique, yet I am unique. I don't even know myself. I don't know if I'll ever be able to figure it out. I lie to myself, telling myself that my life is happy...and sometimes it is. But I want MORE. I DO want to fall in love with God. I want more of Him. But I don't know how to get it. I know, I know, read the Bible and pray every day...but I don't GET the Bible...I try to understand it. I don't know every verse. I don't know everything that a PK should.
GAHHHH this isn't coming out the way I want it to. I'm saying...I want more of God. And I want peace.
