Depression, please cut to the chase and cut a long story short...

I was looking at pictures of when I was very little...you know, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6-10. I was so so so happy. Smiling in every picture. Enjoying life. 


Then I see my teenage years. probably 11-15. I can just feel the darkness pressing down on my again. I was so depressed during those years, it was unbelievable. I didn't like to smile. I was fake. I dressed in baggy jeans and huge shirts, because I was ashamed of my body. Don't ask why I was depressed, because I have no idea. Satan was totally trying to get me down, so depressed that I would be suicidal. I don't remember having any suicidal thoughts, but I thought it would be so much easier if I was a boy. Boys didn't like me. I thought I was ugly, and looking back, I was...on the outside, I made myself look ugly so I wouldn't have to face rejection. On the inside, even more so. Maybe I wanted people to feel sorry for me. I don't know.


All I know is that I am so grateful that I was redeemed. Completely. 100%. 


♥Love you guys.


Off to worship at muh church.:)

Giving and receiving♥

I think...that I like giving better than receiving. Because in the process, I receive so much.


What is this crazy lady talking about? Well, I will tell you, si, mi amores? (I'm in a goofy mood tonight. Forgive me?)


Tonight at youth group was unremarkable until we got to the fire tunnel. Since I'm one of the leaders, we started it. The kids started going through until BAM. Word of knowledge/prophetic word. Cool right? Why am I so happy about this?


I'm finally allowing God to speak through me to other people. I know it's not about the numbers one little bit, but almost everyone who went through the tunnel, I got a prophetic word for. I love doing this. Because when you allow God to work through you, babycakes, you receive SO much more than you give. 


I love watching God work through kids lives. It is amazing to see and I cannot wait to see where God is going to bring our youth group. 1 Peter 2:9. I know He has something big, a revolution planned. and ohh man, am I ready for it!:)


G'night. I'm heading to bed, dying my hair red tomorrow, and heading to my brothers concert. I think it shall be a great day.

Yell, scream, cry...laugh

Tonight before school started, I wanted to shake my head, pound my fists against a wall, and scream at something, preferably God. I wanted to yell "Why God?!" I seriously needed a punching bag tonight. All throughout class, I was praying and barely paying attention to layers in my Digital Darkroom class. I was asking God to take away the pain that I so easily let into my heart. My heart was physically hurting tonight. I didn't know I could care so much...


My point is...it's okay to yell at God. Guaranteed he's not to blame for your problems, but it's okay to yell, scream at God. He can take it. It will sort your emotions out, and then you'll be ready for a good cry. I still need to cry my eyes out. It's coming soon. ha. Can't wait for that one. 


So later on tonight, my friends from class just started making me laugh a lot and I couldn't stop. It was cleansing. It was awesome. Christians should be the most joyful people around! 


As I was driving in my car and listening to some good old rap plus KTIS (what a combination!), I just started smiling the whole time. God is my lover. He LOVES me. Why should I look for acceptance elsewhere? He ADORES me. He loves my laugh, my hair, my eyes. He loves snuggling with me. He loves what makes me laugh, He loves it when I've found a relationship with that special someone and we let Him be a part of it. (Granted...never HAD that kind of relationship, but it's coming (:) He loves it when I have friends that can make me smile anytime. He gave me those friends for a reason. And I adore them. 


Yell, cry, scream, punch something (Preferably NOT a person...or a wall...), but in the end, laughter really is the best medicine. 


I love you guys. and...this may not make sense to anyone at all, but I need to verbally say I forgive you. 


♥

The bitterness that brings death.

If there's one thing that I hate the most that has taken hold of me in the past, it's bitterness. 


Bitterness against family, against friends, against teachers, against God. 


It ruins. It destroys. It takes hold of innocent hearts broken and plans with hatred and spite to turn your tender heart cold and hard. It makes you think that all people are untrustworthy and everyone is out to get you. It makes you paranoid. It makes you...unlovable. To yourself. To your family. You begin to hate yourself. You don't want to get hurt, and no one will be allowed close enough to hurt you.


I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all. When you don't feel pain, your heart is hardened and cold towards the things of God. No. I want my heart tender, so God can take those things away and plant LIFE. It's gonna hurt. Anything worthwhile is going to. But it is so worth it. Bitterness adds on a weight that I just can't handle. It's so heavy and ugly. 


I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be perfect. I don't WANT to pretend to be perfect. It's too much work. I just want to be like my Jesus the best that I can. I just wanna be free. And my Jesus freed me from that bitterness.


And baby...I ain't going back.

I have fallen in love...

My nephew, Justice David Anthony Mayberry, was born on February 17, 2010 at 12:52 PM via c-section. He is the most handsome baby boy I have ever seen and I'm not prejudiced:) He is such a miracle boy. 

I know he is going to bring change to the world and most definitely to our family. His very name speaks forth of confidence and peace and CHANGE. 

This is my handsome, awesome nephew:)  And God is going to do great things through him. I know it. I pray for it. Every day:)

God bless!

Baby, let's start a revolution.

What if our generation changed the status quo?

What if our generation started loving like we were supposed to?

without selfishness. Without fear. Aboundingly. Without strings attached.

What if we stopped using each other like dolls? What if we actually appreciated each person for who they truly are?

What if our love stopped being meaningless, useless, so incredibly shallow?

What if we started loving with the passion that Jesus had?

What if we were the generation of passionate love, of love so real, so deep, so like Jesus'...that it changed lives?

What if our generation stopped being so dead?

What if our generation was awakened?

What IF...our generation stopped being content with where we are?

What if we stopped being content that we are, it seems, a hopeless generation?

What if we started being the generation that are world changers, a generation that brings hope?

What if we stood up and said NO. What would happen if we stood in the gap?

What if we changed the status quo?

From what we're comfortable in. From what is normal. Let the status quo be changed.

What if the status quo changed from drunkeness, sleeping around, using people, looking for false love, from teenagers in MY city dying in car accidents, with LIFE HAVING NO MEANING....to revival?

To restoration?

To a complete turnaround, where we hunger and thirst for righteousness?

To life being full of meaning, of passion, of love!

to a life that wants a revolution!

I want a revolution in my generation

And I want to change the status quo. It's not gonna happen on it's own.

What if we told others to watch us?

What if other generations started to watch us to see what we would do first?

What would happen?

I'll tell you what would happen.

The enemy will be defeated. And death can't hold us down. Because the victory is won, and baby, it's not satan who's the winner.

  Let's change the status quo.

♥

From a cracked heart...

I'm one of those girls who has dreamed of the guy she was going to marry since I was 5. I think I honestly skipped the whole "Boys have cooties" stage.:) (Being an early bloomer kinda sucks.)No, I'm not the type to plan my wedding before I even meet the guy. But ever since I was 5...I've dreamed (sometimes literally) of a man so in love with Jesus. That was the one prerequisite. The rest could follow. Since I couldn't date until I was 18 and chose NOT to date until I was 18, my little heart got involved.


I was never good at guarding my heart. I always got involved way to easily. I was the perfect example of remaining pure, yes, but my heart was always involved from the start, ignoring my mom's advice to "Guard my heart." (My mom would always say, you're not dating, but you're emotionally involved. How true.) I hadn't realized just how important it is to guard your heart. And while I have only gotten hurt about 2 times, it was the worst two times of my life. My heart broke. Well, not completely. Maybe scarred a little. Some cracks. If I would have gone on with some of the relationships, I think that my heart would have been broken a lot more. It amazes me when I look back and see God watching out for me, picking up the pieces, and tugging me in a new direction that I didn't want to take, because I wanted to follow my traitorous, human, romantic-idea-filled heart. 


These couple of weeks, I've actually ignored my heart and listened to the voice in my head. God helped me do stuff that I could not have done on my own, because, jeez, I wanted a real relationship. And while my heart may be a little cracked, it is far better than what may have been. And while my heart could be filling with bitterness, I can't go down that path again. First of all, I was the one who chose this. It just sucks when you realize that a person is not what they seemed to be. It is amazing how easily you fall for lines they give you. He was everything I had dreamed of. He was a great guy, but I just didn't know him that well. Yet, I cannot...I refuse to be bitter. That path almost destroyed my life, and I refuse to enter into satan's little game and go there. 


Being as I haven't been in a lot of relationships, it's understandable that I was taken in. But...honestly...I don't want to be a cynic on love either. I don't want to be hardened by life. Because I know that that wasn't love. Not the kind I want, at least. And while I've been trying to stop searching for it and let it come to me. In the meanwhile, working on guarding my heart and staying physically AND emotionally pure is going to be my goal. And when I give this all to Jesus, this weight on my bruised heart will lift, this burden on my shoulders will cease to be there. 


Seriously, the best advice my mom gave me was to guard my heart and not get emotionally involved. It saves a lot of heartache. Sure, you may have some disappointment, but at least your heart will be intact. 


I know. It is so friggin' hard, I just wanna give up. But it will be worth it in the end. God knows the desires of my heart and He longs to give them to me. But am I ready for them? I think He knows that I'm not, though my heart is screaming "Give it to me! I want the love of a lifetime!" (Firehouse is awesome) And I know it is SOO cliche, but for now, my only love of a lifetime will be my Jesus. And even when he does bring my so-on-fire-for-God, handsome, real, amazing, love of a lifetime into my life, Jesus will always be my First Love. 


Until then. I'm going to be trying to guard my heart. And encourage my friends and family to do the same. And I encourage you to do the same. You want to give your whole, healthy heart to your husband, not one that is torn and some pieces belong to Mark in Minnesota. 


Thanks for reading my emotional rantings. :)

A Plea For My Generation...

Last night was such a powerful night, as the youth group poured forth their praise, showing God that they were indeed hungry for His presence. One thing Ben said was "Hunger attracts the presence of God." I mean, how true is that? If we just go in, and sit around, doing nothing at all to invite God in...we're not going to get anything. We have to WANT His presence, His sweet aroma! 

Lately, I have been thinking about the ministry that God is wanting me to start. It is all coming real and so close. After I go to Bethel Church in Redding, California, this fall, I'm going to come back to my hometown and start up a youth ministry/music venue. God is giving me all of these cool, awesome ideas for it and it is all starting to come together (At least in my mind!) 

But one thing I absolutely know I want...God has been giving me an insatiable desire for my generation to know love. Real love. HIS love. And once they do, to go out and spread it and spread His presence, to live in His presence and bring it with them everywhere they go. To bathe in His river of Glory and Peace and Presence. It's going to be a ministry, yes, but it is also going to be sort of a training center, to send out kids, JUST IN THEIR HOMETOWN to be a light...in their schools, their work...

Anyways. That's my babbling for the day.:) Have a stupendous rest of the week filled with God's Presence.:)